I am simply so grateful. Cold toes stretched out in front of the fire. Scary book and cup of tea to my right. Dog below the foot of the recliner. And–wonder of wonders–I’m the only one in the living room right now. It is q-u-i-e-t.
More surprising than my male-dominated household being currently soundless is the quiet I find within myself. I am ridiculously (in a good way) at peace. I am also astounded.
You see, I have myself in a fairly unhealthy life pattern where I am working too much, eating things like cereal and Oreos for meals, and constantly fretting. Oh how I hate that word! Fretting. It just sounds fussy and needy and tiring. And yet, fretting I have been. (No wonder I’m alone.)
The truth is I do have a tough workload at the moment (yes, the moment) with some tight deadlines. So being a little stressed would be acceptable. But this over-the-top wallowing in busyness and counting all the things I am not getting done is simply a time waster and also bad for my mood. Which not coincidentally is bad for everyone at home. (Did I mention I’m alone?)
So tonight I faced my fretting. And I realized that 24 hours in a day is just not going to cut all that I have going on right now.There is only one answer. I have to let go and be okay with releasing my grip because there is no other way to be healthy, enjoy life, and do good work. Now the ugly part that I’m reluctant to share is I also realized that I only fret when I really groove on this awful “I’m too busy” cycle. If I’m fretting, I have to recognize that means I am also being short (read: unkind) with people and I am not attending to the needs of others with the attention they deserve because I am too busy thinking about ME. Wow. I don’t like that. Or admitting it. But it’s true.
That’s how I arrived at peace tonight. By facing the selfishness and saying, “God, this is not what I want. You made me better than this. I’m sorry.” So simple and yet it has taken me weeks to get here. Or, truthfully, perhaps years.
I started blogging just over 2 years ago to remind myself to be grateful, to count God-given blessings publicly, and because I generally enjoy writing. You’ll notice fewer posts this year than last. I guess the fretting overtook me to a point where one of us had to go. I’m glad it’s me still in the living room. Maybe tomorrow I’ll have company.