Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

-From the Song Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)

Trust without borders. I’m having trouble grasping that. Maybe because I often have trouble simply with basic trust.

If you are my friend, you realize you are one among few, right? And close friends? Do you know who you are? I know because I hold you treasured in my heart, but because my trust is such a thin thread (my issue, not yours), you may not even know how dear you are to me. Guaranteed, I probably haven’t shown you very often.

I ask myself why I don’t trust and I’m not sure I fully understand. Sure, I can think back to times when those I’ve loved or chosen to trust broke some degree of that trust, small or large. But in our human frailty–our humanness–that’s pretty standard stuff. I can also count a couple of big, hurtful betrayals as part of my past, but who can’t? And in my case, fortunately they weren’t with anybody held close.

So why, when I hear the words of this song, am I haunted? Pierced even? Because deep inside me, I don’t trust. Take my relationship with God. I do believe (from the big picture view) that He is always working for the greatest good. That he can take the ugly wakes we leave behind us and turn that potential path of destruction into something good. Really good. But ask me to make that trust personal in a specific moment and I struggle. Oh, do I struggle.

But God is patient and kind. And He gently reminds me of where He has shown himself faithful. Again and again and again. When I think of past hurts, betrayals, and mind-blowing moments of callousness (sometimes my own), I can’t recall them without also knowing firsthand the incredible restoration that has followed each.

Trust without borders. The thought of it turns my stomach to water. But when I think on the good, good work He has accomplished as I’ve held so tightly to my borders it is possible they’ve shrunk, I imagine what He might be able to do if I was willing to push them out even just a little bit. And I am overwhelmed by the grace, mercy and hope to the point where I can begin to imagine myself trusting more. Perhaps someday without borders.